And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
~ Kafka on the Shore
Yes, I have changed, and it is quite visible to me how far I have come over the last few years, a decade or so. While am super proud and happy about how I have evolved, the one thing am grappling with is how others’ behaviour irks me.
With every passing day, I find little things they do annoying, or frustrating and wish they did not do/act that way and am tempted to tell them as much. I hold my tongue and spend a few mins blowing off steam by walking. And then it hits me – they haven’t changed at all, and were always behaving this way. I am now having a reaction cos I have changed, and no longer wish to tolerate/enable their behaviour/actions. But then, what can I do about it but to hold my tongue and stay silent?
Anything I say or do irks them, cos they don’t understand why I have changed.
Gone are the days when I would oblige and bend over,
Gone are the days when I was ready to drop all that I was doing to complete their demands [it was never requests and no am not exaggerating]
Gone are the days when I turned a deaf ear or blind eye to things they did. Today, while I do control myself and stay silent, there are times when I express my thoughts and correct them.
I have been asked by multiple people how I became the person I am today, I don’t have one incident or moment where I had an “epiphany moment” or got hit by a bolt of lightning and changed/transformed. I am guessing it happened over the last decade or so. My evolution process began even before I went for the Vipassana course. From my college days, I began noticing I was different from the rest of the family, the way I thought, the way I needed logic before doing something, the way I demanded respect [well, that is one that is yet to happen, and I have kinda given up on -with family] and with every action of theirs, while initially, my self-worth was right at the bottom of the bottomless pit, it began to rise and along with it my self-confidence,
Relatives who at one point were telling me to put my head down, listen to my parents, get married, make them happy today tell me how proud they are of the things I have done, and in fact, my immediate family comes to know a lot of things through extended family. Why? Cos I don’t feel the desire to share, cos they don’t care, or even if they do, they don’t express the same. So, I might as well share it with those who do~
I have changed,
I am a grown-ass woman… who has understood she is beautiful, irrespective of all that body shaming that has come her way and continue to.
I am a 40+yr old who works, can cook, handle household chores, and repair a fan or motor or talk about the technicalities that go into an electronic gadget as much as the next guy [considering the world believes men are the only ones smart enough to know these things]
I have changed
I have a personality, thoughts, identity, and I am damn clear about what I want to project to the world.
If the world has an issue, they can go fly a kite.
I don’t have the time or patience for anyone who thinks it is their birthright to put me down, contradict me without logic/info to back it up.
I have changed
I have opinions, I have the knowledge, and more.
What brought this post on? Well, just everyday things. Over the last 10months have had the privilege [read in the most sarcastic tone you can cough up] of spending it with my parents [I haven’t lived with them in over 2 decades] and have begun noticing their little quirks and annoying habits, things they were probably doing as always, but cos I have changed it bothers me now and I wish they would change them.
Recently, I read a thread on Twitter [will try locating the thread and share] about how Parents don’t grow up with their children, which is why a lot of them are unable to relate to their children once they cross their teens, they cant have grown-up conversations with them, they cannot openly talk/share about sex/alcohol/other aspects of life. In most families, including mine the only thing elders talk to us about is – whether we ate, whether we have enough money. If we start talking about periods, alcohol, or other grown-up things they either shut us off or change the topic. There is a visible sense of discomfort and unease.
Fortunately, I do have a few members in the family who seem to have grown up with their kids, who are easy to talk to, and who understand us better. I wonder how to get all parents on board this train?
So, yes the bottom line is I have changed…. and learning to adapt to the surroundings without shaking things up for others but ensuring my sanity remains intact~
